Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I, Robot

Confession Tuesday on a Wednesday! I was on the phone very late last night and just was too tired to write. So, here I am tonight!
Hello all! I can't believe what a week it was last week! It seems like such a blur. When the nurse called to give me the news, I was in a state of shock.

It went something like this:

Nurse: "Kristi, Eva's tumor is stable. That means no growth which is great news since we are so far out of treatment and we have not seen any growth at all since round 2 of chemo!"

Me: completely monotone. "I see. Ok. Well, what are our next steps? Do we just have her port removed? When do we need to be seen again?"

Nurse: Silence. Then, "Um. Let me check"

Nurse: "Doctor says yes, take the port out"

Me: Silence.

Nurse: "Kristi?"

Me: Sobbing full throttle. No words coming.

Nurse: "Are you ok? Are you happy?"

Me: Still sobbing.

This goes on for a few minutes. Finally, I apologized for my inability to communicate. Hung up the phone and had a similar conversation with Jon.

My awesome co-workers came out of the restaurant where we were having lunch. I could not stop crying long enough to even tell them what was going on. I was just in shock.
The fact is, I absolutely felt with 100% certainty we were not going to get that news. I knew that no matter how much I hoped and prayed that Eva for SURE had a return of her cancer.

It is strange. I NEVER talk like that. But, the fact is that Eva had been having those random otherwise benign symptoms for several months. Combine that with the slightly rising cathecolemines and I knew we were in for trouble. I just could not believe the news.
I was completely mortified when I came to my senses that anyone other than Jon saw me cry. I don't know why I'm such a freak when it comes to that but I AM! I have said this before but I absolutely cannot stand PDE (public displays of emotion). My job is to be happy all the time. That is my comfort zone. Happiness.
When I interviewed for my current position, they asked me to take this online personality test, basically. You have to rank these random things and somehow it tells you what kind of person you are. My test could not have been more accurate if I had filled it out, myself.

What is interesting about it? It talks a lot about my focus on being unemotional and incredibly focused on my work. How it can tell that by my choosing between a taco and a baby panda is beyond me.

My pal and I were comparing ours the other day and we just decided that I was basically a robot with no feelings.
The weird part of it all is that nothing makes me happier than to cry in a movie. I don't care WHO hears me! Jon tells a hilarious story (well, it's hilarious when he tells it) about me watching Whale Rider. Holy crap. That's the mother load of sobbing movies. I just could not control myself. It felt great. Maybe that's my problem. I hide behind fiction and not reality for my emotional release. Hmmm, time for therapy!
Between having a bit of a tough week at the office (nothing major, just tough) and the Eva worry, I was a complete zombie on Friday afternoon. A friend of mine would say that it looked as if someone tripped on my cord and I just became unplugged from the wall. (hmm, more robot references??)

Earlier in the week, my awesome pal, Rhonda, offered to take care of the kids on Friday night so Jon and I could go out. Post-Eva news/tough week, I was absolutely dead and just wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the wall. But, since my awesome pal, Rhonda, offered to take care of the kids and Jon really wanted to go out, I knew I had to rally.

To the rescue? My also awesome co-workers who took me across the street for a quick celebratory shot of tequila. That will fire you up for the night!
On Friday night, Jon and I went to Neighborhood Services. This place is terrific. Not only is the food good but they make a drink at the bar called a Slazenger 1. Let me tell you, it is so good, it will make you slap yo mamma!

SLAZENGER 1: Pimms Number One 9/Square One organic cucumber vodka/basil/ cucumber/ red grapefruit/hand charged seltzer

Three of those later, I was really fired up and ready for the night!
Spent most of the rest of the weekend sleeping (not hungover, actually, just sleeping). It rained all day on Saturday so it was the perfect day for me to just sleep and sleep. I was so grateful to Jon for keeping the kids away so I could rest my brain.
That's about it. I'm having a good week at work this week, though! All is brighter. I think that for once, I will allow myself to feel good about where Eva is. At least for now, it's time to celebrate and enjoy the summer. We'll deal with the next MRI news in September.
One final note of the night and it has only to deal with my television watching.
1) Very sad Gilles did not win Dancing with the Stars. Shawn was fine but Gilles really deserved it.
2) I'm so very beyond words excited about The Bachelorette's return. I love me some Jillian! I just hope these guys aren't the tools they appear to be. Who are we kidding? Of COURSE they are! If you watch the show, you have to check out Lincee's blog. She writes a recap of the show each week and has for many seasons. She is hilarious!!!
3) Rescue Me and My Boys are having the greatest seasons this year. Laugh out loud funny. Both of them. If you are not watching these shows and have a rather bawdy and off-color sense of humor and are not easily offended, well, you've come home to your shows. If you are easily offended, please let me formally apologize for anything and everything that comes out of my mouth/hand.
4) I don't watch Idol. But, I do usually watch the last couple of episodes to see who won. Having absolutely no emotional ties to either contestant tonight, I firmly believe that the other guy (Adam, maybe?) should have won. He was a far superior singer.

Robot Mom, signing out.


Laura said...

I am so happy for your news and yes, Adam should have won.

Kristin said...

We are watching Rescue Me on DVD's right now - halfway through Season 2 and I'm majorly hooked. I've heard it gets soooooo much better, too.

January said...

Yea! Congrats to Eva and your whole family. Woo hoo!

Amy Jo said...

All I can say is...Domo arigato, Mr, Roboto. Secret, secret, I've got a secret. :)

Honey, I think that after all you have experienced in the last several months you are due for a good cry whether folks are watching or not!

I could not be happier for you all!!